Why did your relationship become this when it started very well at first, and as time went on, problems started?
Nobody starts the relationship because it will end somehow. Hopes, emotions, dreams always stay fresh for a while. However, some situations lead to gaps that unfortunately do not have relationships. Some mistakes, unintentionally, cause the story to end badly. So why are these happening? Perhaps you are unwittingly taking the steps to end the relationship.
Why do relationships often become so different from what they started with?
Although there are many different reasons for this situation, it is basically due to the fact that people do not know themselves well and therefore have no idea how the suitable person will be. When making the decision to include a person in your life, when that person is physically attracted to you is a sufficient reason to start the relationship, the chances of having a relationship stand out when you start a relationship without any idea of the harmony between you. Getting to know yourself well is the best gift you can give to yourself in this life. Because in this way, you are happy with your decisions about life. This does not mean that you will never make a wrong decision. Making the wrong decision is also part of the journey to know yourself. People think that they will be happy when they live according to the system established by society based on order and trust. However, you can experience happiness when you know yourself. Keep this in mind. No matter what your age is, if you feel the need to know yourself, then you have had an opportunity to experience happiness. Make good use of this opportunity. Self-knowledge is a lifetime adventure. Everyone’s priorities, importance and likes can change. In this regard, I suggest you to be understanding first with yourself and then with your relatives.
Which mistakes in marriage leave permanent damage to the relationship?
Situations that cause permanent damage vary from person to person. When something is done that goes against the primary values of the person in the relationship, it can be very difficult to forgive and repair the relationship. But while these mistakes are deceit for one person, they can be violence for another person, and a single bad word to the family for another. At this point, it is necessary to make an effort to get to know your spouse well. Knowing very well what she values and respecting her essentials makes the relationship happier and more peaceful. At the same time, you need to give your partner the opportunity to help your spouse to know you very well and to know your priorities and essentials. Let’s not forget that we all have a window into the world and these are very different from each other. The only reality that appears to you may be that window. But something completely different appears from your partner’s window! Therefore, tell your spouse carefully what you see when you look from your window every day so that he can understand you. Let your spouse tell you what appears from his window, so try to understand him. So you will see that day by day you begin to understand each other better. Sometimes it looks very similar through the two windows, and sometimes it is very different. Whichever window you look at, you can see your relationship deepen as you work hard to understand your spouse.
Does being very harmonious, saying yes to everything wear out the relationship?
This is one of the mistakes that takes the relationship to an end rather than wearing it. The fact that a person constantly adapts to his wife and says yes to everything, “How harmonious we are!” can create the feeling. But this is not the reality. When a person is always in harmony, he / she is not communicating his / her interests and needs honestly. The person usually does not do this consciously. It’s not like lying. When he says “yes”, he thinks that he made small sacrifices for someone he loves so much in good faith. However, he misses the opportunity to be known in the relationship. One day, when the truth begins to reveal itself, she is shocked by her lover’s words, “You have changed a lot.” He realizes then that his good intentions are to hide himself. So if you choose to do something that you don’t like for your lover, share it with him so he knows that you are doing it out of love but what you actually prefer. Otherwise, he will continue to think that the two of you are very compatible until you reveal yourself.
Can skin harmony or posts in the bedroom save a relationship alone?
This question made it pop in my mind that something Julie Gottman said while I was training Gottman Couple Therapy. As far as I remember she said: “If there is a chemical match between the couples, the chances of saving the relationship are quite high.” However, the relationship is a very comprehensive formation. Sexual harmony is just one of the components that make up the relationship. If sexual compliance is among the primary values for individuals in a relationship, the chances of saving the relationship are higher. However, if one of the spouses is acting against a priority value of their spouse, sexuality alone may not be enough to save the relationship. Individuals with skin compatibility are more likely to feel emotional intensity towards each other, as they are attracted to each other even when they have problems. This is an advantage for them. Because many people have difficulty remembering good things and feelings about them as a result of negative experiences. This situation many times leads to the idea that the relationship is not worth the effort. For those who have skin compatibility, the chance to see at least one positive aspect of the relationship can allow them to spend effort on that relationship. However, skin harmony alone does not save the relationship.
Whatever the problem, are there factors that can bring the relationship to a recovery level?
I think that the biggest factor that can bring the relationship to the level of saving in conditions where there is no conflict between the primary values of people is the continuity of love between two people. It is also an important factor that they understand the value of their relationship. People who understand that they are valuable for each other do not hesitate to make efforts to mutually agree and solve their problems. People who work hard also have a very good chance of saving the relationship.
So what is this primary value?
These can be defined as values that a person makes priority, have a lot of meaning in his life and that he will never compromise. For example; Family relationships can be a primary value for a person, and if their spouse does not want to meet with their family, that person will easily lose faith that the relationship will work. Even though he loves his wife, he feels ready to leave the relationship. Or, if you say to a person who has done sports throughout his life and wants to keep it in his life until the end, “We are now married and I want you to spare the time you spend for sports”, do not expect a different result. At this point, understanding the primary values in relationships; It is very important that you know your primary values and that you can respect your values mutually with the person you are marrying before the marriage, in terms of having solid foundations for your relationship.
What are the main characteristics of the usually imagined happy and promising relationship?
Many features can be counted, but one of the most important basic characteristics of relationships with the potential of happiness is that people are in love with each other… In my master’s thesis, I studied love with married couples. As a result of the analysis, we found that the effect of the level of love felt on marital satisfaction level was 69.5 percent, which is a very determining effect. Moreover, we found that in addition to marital satisfaction, level of love and life satisfaction are also highly correlated. In addition to all these, we determined that the level of marriage and life satisfaction of those who made a logical marriage was lower than the love level of those who married for love. According to Sternberg’s triangular love theory, which scientifically determines the components of love, let me talk about love … According to this theory, love has three components: passion, intimacy, and decision-commitment … If all of these come together, then perfect love can be spoken of. . But many times this is not possible. For example, romantic love is formed when passion and intimacy come together. However, this love does not last long as it lacks the decision to continue the relationship and stay connected. “The hard thing is not to find the perfect love, but to realize that you have found the perfect love and to protect it during the relationship,” says Sternberg.
How effective can couple therapy be in saving the relationship that is coming to an end?
Couple therapy is very effective as long as both parties intend to maintain the relationship and put effort into the relationship. Individuals who have extreme difficulty understanding each other when they come, learn to tell the other party what they see from their own windows. To express their needs, priorities, and interests sincerely and without offending the other side, at the same time, they should listen to understand their spouses, show respect when necessary and show their love to each other… Thus, they get the chance to establish a deeper relationship by getting to know themselves and their partners again. However, what brings the relationship to an end is also very important. If the primary value of the person has been violated and is not taken into account despite the statement, or if the two people’s primary values are diametrically opposite, then many couples go to the lawyer rather than the therapy. Because nobody wants to put effort into a relationship whose values are not respected. At this point, the most important question is; “Is this relationship worth trying to understand each other’s values?” If the answer is yes, I suggest you do not delay to seek help from an expert.