We think we can solve any problem if we are fascinated by understanding, explain our true purposes, and see that there is no conflict between the other person’s interests and our own.
I’m skeptical about this. Let’s take a mundane workplace issue: Your boss wants you to work overtime in the evenings but doesn’t charge anything in return; but you disagree with him. So you begin to think about their true purpose; On the one hand, your boss wants to finish his project on time, on the other hand, you want to go home and watch TV.
Your main problem may not always be compatible with the other person’s system. Expressing your true purpose at this point will not solve any problems. When you express your true purpose, you will get only a small increase in the unemployment rate.
Explaining the reasons for your behavior can make matters worse.
Here are three reasons:
- Expressing your purpose can give the other person the opportunity to exploit you. Imagine you are looking for a house. You walk into an apartment with your partner and your partner says to you, “This house has everything we’re looking for – it has a fireplace, overhead lighting and even a cottage in the back for grandma!” On top of that, the real estate agent learns that the house has all the features you are looking for. Do you think your real estate agent will cut the price after hearing this?
Definitely not if it’s hard marketing. It may even increase the price. (Saying that we actually undervalued this property.)
2. If you reveal your purpose, the other person may compete with you to achieve your purpose before you do.
Let’s go back to the workplace, you find a production method that will increase production by fifty percent. You will no doubt be in the favor of the section chief. You also know that you will be promoted. You can even take away your boss’s job.
Your boss seems very interested in your new method, until you say, “Even the section chief will love it!”
Your boss is suddenly silent. It takes some time to think about the method you have come up with.
At noon on the same day, your department chief praises the new method that increases production by 50 percent at a meeting… It is your boss who developed the method…
The bottom line: Sometimes it’s better to keep your mouth shut. If you waited until the section chief was impressed by your views, your boss couldn’t steal your method.
3. Your real purpose may be in conflict with the other person.
Take, for example, the experience of Mr. Chandra, who came to America as an immigrant. Having studied librarianship in his home country, Mr. Chandra has a job interview at a library.
But Mr. Chandra is unaware of how Americans expect to be treated in a job interview.
The interviewer asks, “Why do you want to work here?” As many Americans know, you need to research the institution you are applying for in advance to lie and say that the job you are applying for is exactly the job you are looking for.
Since Mr. Chandra doesn’t know how to behave, he directly says his true intentions: “Oh, I don’t care if I work here or not. It’s just a job I’m asking for.”
“In any library?” The interviewer wants to give Mr. Chandra one last chance.
Mr. Chandra makes things worse by articulating her true intentions: in any library, of course.
As you might guess, Mr. Chandra can’t get into this business.
